Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Friday, June 24, 2011
Getting Past The Shame
You'd be surprised at the number of people that have ended up in abusive relationships. Never think that you are the only one that has experienced this. You are not alone. People from all walks of life, all socioeconomic levels have situations of abuse. Don't allow shame to keep you from talking. This is why it is such a secret in our society, the shame is binding. Telling effects the relationships closest to you, especially if they know what is going on and they look the other way. Everything changes, and it should. Anyone in your life that is aware of the abuse doesn't need to be in your life. It doesn't matter who it is.
We may not want to rock the boat because of social status. We connect who we are by the company and relatives that we keep. We don't want to loose the associations. But we must. A clean break from all around is the best course of action. No need to think that you can't go it alone. You can. It takes effort. You will need this time alone to get back in touch with who you are. You may have never truly known who you are and what you want out of life because you may have experienced abusive situations all of your life.
Without proper guidance as a child, navigating the true world can be a daunting task and looking at it through the eyes of someone that has been abused is even tougher.
Allow the years to pass without any contact with those that have mistreated you. You are responsible for healing you. Those that abused are not going to come and save you. There is no magic pill. Maybe after 25 years or so, but it's nothing to look forward to. Allow me tell a bit of my history.
My first husband was verbally and physically abusive. I think I've mentioned that he pushed me out of a moving car when I was 5 months pregnant with my first son. Then he kidnapped our son with his girlfriend at the time, who later became his wife when our son was 1 and had him for 8 months until I hunted him down.
This relationship was bad even after I finally divorced him. I was on of those whose poor thinking kept him in my sons life. And yes my son has had problems because of it. Absolutely my fault. Because I knew, but I thought that I was trying to be nice and forgiving as I was taught according my my religious beliefs at the time. I even allowed our son to live with him for 4 years. One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life outside of marrying him in the first place. After our son came back to live with me it was tough going. The damage to him living with his father still haunts us to this day. After this my ex kept low and away.
When our son was about 17 or 18 his father wanted back into his life after being absent for some years.
His father(the abuser) apologized for being the bad husband and father. Our son at this point is bigger than the both of us, he had to make the decision at to whether of not allow his dad back in. Sooooooooo, he did. And it was obvious that his dad had turned a new leaf. He even gave me a car to drive while I got mine repaired. Now had he been this way when we married, we might still be married. But he wasn't.
I tell this side of him because it shows that people can change with time. The key word here is TIME. You really need to get away from it. It may take twenty years, it may take more, but that is not your concern. you have to move on and let your abusive partner go. And keeping him/her around for the kids so that they can have a relationship can prove dangerous both physically and mentally. You deserve a good life, so do your kids.
We may not want to rock the boat because of social status. We connect who we are by the company and relatives that we keep. We don't want to loose the associations. But we must. A clean break from all around is the best course of action. No need to think that you can't go it alone. You can. It takes effort. You will need this time alone to get back in touch with who you are. You may have never truly known who you are and what you want out of life because you may have experienced abusive situations all of your life.
Without proper guidance as a child, navigating the true world can be a daunting task and looking at it through the eyes of someone that has been abused is even tougher.
Allow the years to pass without any contact with those that have mistreated you. You are responsible for healing you. Those that abused are not going to come and save you. There is no magic pill. Maybe after 25 years or so, but it's nothing to look forward to. Allow me tell a bit of my history.
My first husband was verbally and physically abusive. I think I've mentioned that he pushed me out of a moving car when I was 5 months pregnant with my first son. Then he kidnapped our son with his girlfriend at the time, who later became his wife when our son was 1 and had him for 8 months until I hunted him down.
This relationship was bad even after I finally divorced him. I was on of those whose poor thinking kept him in my sons life. And yes my son has had problems because of it. Absolutely my fault. Because I knew, but I thought that I was trying to be nice and forgiving as I was taught according my my religious beliefs at the time. I even allowed our son to live with him for 4 years. One of the biggest mistakes I've ever made in my life outside of marrying him in the first place. After our son came back to live with me it was tough going. The damage to him living with his father still haunts us to this day. After this my ex kept low and away.
When our son was about 17 or 18 his father wanted back into his life after being absent for some years.
His father(the abuser) apologized for being the bad husband and father. Our son at this point is bigger than the both of us, he had to make the decision at to whether of not allow his dad back in. Sooooooooo, he did. And it was obvious that his dad had turned a new leaf. He even gave me a car to drive while I got mine repaired. Now had he been this way when we married, we might still be married. But he wasn't.
I tell this side of him because it shows that people can change with time. The key word here is TIME. You really need to get away from it. It may take twenty years, it may take more, but that is not your concern. you have to move on and let your abusive partner go. And keeping him/her around for the kids so that they can have a relationship can prove dangerous both physically and mentally. You deserve a good life, so do your kids.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Closing The Door Behind You
One of the most difficult things that you will ever have to do in life is leave your abuser. And after you leave, your next greatest task will be staying gone. This is difficult because it pulls at your emotions. Even though you have left and realize that it is the best thing for you, you feel guilty perhaps. The abuser is left to deal with issues, not seeing the kids, having to deal with being an abuser, the one that caused the break up. And there are other abusers that never learn. They are not connected to how they have hurt you and will be hell bent on revenge.
In either case the goal is to not allow them back into your life. The abuser will try anything to get back into your life. The offer of gifts, counseling, apologies, dinners, asking to come and sleep over for old time sake. Some may even use the threat of suicide to gain your sympathy. Whatever method of persuasion they use, turn a blind eye. It is the contact that keeps them hoping. If you have not made a clean break by allowing the abuser to see the kids, then you have left the door open for disaster. This is not a game. It takes a lot of courage to do what you need to do for your own life and that of your children. Yes you are taking the kids away from their abusive parent. You must ask yourself what type person do I want my child/children to be. If you keep them in an abusive situation there is very strong evidence that they will grow to be the abuser or one allowing the abuse to go on. Is this the life you want for your child/children?
Parenting is a great responsibility. It is up to you to see that anyone that you bring into the world has a well rounded life. They will not have that with an abuser. We don't want to take responsibility for the children that we raise. And although as an adult they can go off and do anything and society does not hold us responsible, the seed that made the monster started at home. How can we possibly escape that. We can't. Just like the one who is abusing you. His parents knew that there was some type of problem but looked the other way and now this person doesn't know well how to function in the world. The world will not give you slack because you had a bad or neglectful childhood. Jails are full of them. Full. Is this what you want?
I do believe that souls come to this planet with issues that they have to work out. For some it is life long, but you as a parent are the first line of guidance. Some parents are too lazy to guide their children. It is work and not work to be taken lightly. Who a person is at the age of 18 is a direct reflection of parenting. Good or bad.
You cannot fix what their parents allowed to grow and fester. They must seek the help on their own. It is not your job to fix them. That is not love. You will not be able to love them enough to fix them. It hasn't worked so far has it?
When you leave the guidance of a women's or abusive center is most helpful. They offer steps to take to get away and stay away. The guidance and steps work only if you use them. Guilt is a useless emotion in this case. Either you are going to do something about this situation or not. No one can do it but you.
In either case the goal is to not allow them back into your life. The abuser will try anything to get back into your life. The offer of gifts, counseling, apologies, dinners, asking to come and sleep over for old time sake. Some may even use the threat of suicide to gain your sympathy. Whatever method of persuasion they use, turn a blind eye. It is the contact that keeps them hoping. If you have not made a clean break by allowing the abuser to see the kids, then you have left the door open for disaster. This is not a game. It takes a lot of courage to do what you need to do for your own life and that of your children. Yes you are taking the kids away from their abusive parent. You must ask yourself what type person do I want my child/children to be. If you keep them in an abusive situation there is very strong evidence that they will grow to be the abuser or one allowing the abuse to go on. Is this the life you want for your child/children?
Parenting is a great responsibility. It is up to you to see that anyone that you bring into the world has a well rounded life. They will not have that with an abuser. We don't want to take responsibility for the children that we raise. And although as an adult they can go off and do anything and society does not hold us responsible, the seed that made the monster started at home. How can we possibly escape that. We can't. Just like the one who is abusing you. His parents knew that there was some type of problem but looked the other way and now this person doesn't know well how to function in the world. The world will not give you slack because you had a bad or neglectful childhood. Jails are full of them. Full. Is this what you want?
I do believe that souls come to this planet with issues that they have to work out. For some it is life long, but you as a parent are the first line of guidance. Some parents are too lazy to guide their children. It is work and not work to be taken lightly. Who a person is at the age of 18 is a direct reflection of parenting. Good or bad.
You cannot fix what their parents allowed to grow and fester. They must seek the help on their own. It is not your job to fix them. That is not love. You will not be able to love them enough to fix them. It hasn't worked so far has it?
When you leave the guidance of a women's or abusive center is most helpful. They offer steps to take to get away and stay away. The guidance and steps work only if you use them. Guilt is a useless emotion in this case. Either you are going to do something about this situation or not. No one can do it but you.
Friday, June 17, 2011
Walking On Eggshells
You had a beautiful day. All went well at work or running the house and kids went smoothly, but as soon as you hear your mates car drive up or the key in the door you flinch. You don't know what kind of mood he/she will be in. You second guess yourself about saying anything about your day for fear of an angry response. You try to go about the evening ever aware that the next conversation might be the one where you are belittled, where you are feeling less that the divine being that your are. Your partner says something to you and you go over in your mind the best answer as to not awaken the dragon. You have no freedom to speak because you never know the reaction of your mate.
Does any of this sound familiar? Only you can decide what you are willing to live with. Do you want to be able to speak freely in your own home? It's a tough choice for some, for others the answer is simple. No. I know, it IS easier said that done. If you are the stay at home partner with the kids, money is the issue. How will you take care of yourself and the children? Starting over is a daunting task. No one can make this decision for you. But each time that you endure abuse a piece of you closes off to Spirit and to the rest of the world.
See what your options are. If it is physical abuse, do it away from your home. I can't say this enough. Some abusers are so bent on destroying you, you can't leave any evidence of trying to make a change, or it could kill you. Professional help is available at The National Domestic Violence Hotline when you are ready to make that move.
Does any of this sound familiar? Only you can decide what you are willing to live with. Do you want to be able to speak freely in your own home? It's a tough choice for some, for others the answer is simple. No. I know, it IS easier said that done. If you are the stay at home partner with the kids, money is the issue. How will you take care of yourself and the children? Starting over is a daunting task. No one can make this decision for you. But each time that you endure abuse a piece of you closes off to Spirit and to the rest of the world.
See what your options are. If it is physical abuse, do it away from your home. I can't say this enough. Some abusers are so bent on destroying you, you can't leave any evidence of trying to make a change, or it could kill you. Professional help is available at The National Domestic Violence Hotline when you are ready to make that move.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Remaining Positive When All Seems Lost
It may seem difficult to think about a better tomorrow when your today is so painful. A better tomorrow exist. You have to claim it. The emotions, the anger, the hurt, all will block what lies ahead because it prevents you from seeing it.
We get lost in..... why is this happening to me. Why doesn't my partner just treat me better and I won't have to go through this. If I could just make a good meal, dress a certain way, keep quiet. We come up with so many excuses not to see what is going on in front of us and to us, because the pain of taking that step into the unknown is often more frightening than the abuse. At least you are familiar with the abuse. It's just that ignoring the abuse can be deadly.
We can't just want a better life, we have to believe in the possibilities and put forth effort into it. Yes, it does take courage and a lot of it. It is there, inside of you. It is not someone outside of you that determines who you are. It is you. It always has been. The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers steps for you to take to get your life back on track. To get you back to the loving, nurturing being that you were born to be. It helps you to move on, to move on into who you are.
When you see how good you are you choose a partner who is just a good. The vibrations that we send out attract to us what we are. If we are unsure of ourselves, in our abilities, we attract someone into our space just as insecure. And we attract those energy vipers, someone who likes to take advantage of our insecurity. Just because we attract this person doesn't mean that we must allow them in. We have a choice. When we know our vulnerabilities, we can recognize them in others. We also can recognize other traits in others that may cause us harm. A violent temper, irrational mood swings, someone who only wants you to listen you them, are clues to a control personality. Walk away. Determine what type energy you want around you and do not settle for less. It has been said many times before. You have to be the energy that you want to attract.
Sometimes we choose a partner to come into our intimate space for comfort, for security or because we think that that person makes us look good and we don't dig deeper. When we are our own comfort, our own security and need no one for image sake, we are better equipped to chose an intimate partner. Women especially often just want to be with someone and they ignore Spirit telling them that this is not the right partner for you. We become so caught us in the fairy tale of living happily ever after that we chose not to see the danger right in front of us.
It.......IS....... is a fairy tale. A tale made up in the mind of writers trying to sell a book. Real relationships don't necessarily go off into the wild blue yonder. A relationship is more about what did I come here to learn? You do not have to be abused to learn not to be abused. You simply have to honor the warning signs and walk away.
Only you can determine what you want in your life. Be clear about it. Be firm. Don't get caught in the trap that abusive partners try to keep you in by constantly saying things like, "I love you." "I won't do it again." "Honey I know that something is wrong with me." Well, fix it. But while you do. I am moving on. Some of us are bound by our religion to stay married. In my daughters case it was a youth minister fighting with her. That is not of God. If you go to a minister and he/she does not direct you into professional help, shelter, counseling, etc. Then, certainly, I would question their ability to guide and minister. Some ministers are simply about themselves. It has nothing to do with God. Search for a greater truth.
Limit or completely have no contact with the NEGATIVE NELLIES of the world. Especially and including family.Deep inside of you you know that you are divine. A beautiful gift from God that deserves only the best. But the best comes through you not from someone else. Each day, dismiss the negative. Tune it out. Divert your attention. One of my favorite sayings when a negative thought comes into my mind, or when I can still hear the residue of something someone said is, "Not today." I then think about a beautiful mountain view and get lost in it's glory. Think of what every brings you peace and savor the moment. Every time you do this, you are saying yes to joy and peace.
Only you can determine what you want in your life. Be clear about it. Be firm. Don't get caught in the trap that abusive partners try to keep you in by constantly saying things like, "I love you." "I won't do it again." "Honey I know that something is wrong with me." Well, fix it. But while you do. I am moving on. Some of us are bound by our religion to stay married. In my daughters case it was a youth minister fighting with her. That is not of God. If you go to a minister and he/she does not direct you into professional help, shelter, counseling, etc. Then, certainly, I would question their ability to guide and minister. Some ministers are simply about themselves. It has nothing to do with God. Search for a greater truth.
Limit or completely have no contact with the NEGATIVE NELLIES of the world. Especially and including family.Deep inside of you you know that you are divine. A beautiful gift from God that deserves only the best. But the best comes through you not from someone else. Each day, dismiss the negative. Tune it out. Divert your attention. One of my favorite sayings when a negative thought comes into my mind, or when I can still hear the residue of something someone said is, "Not today." I then think about a beautiful mountain view and get lost in it's glory. Think of what every brings you peace and savor the moment. Every time you do this, you are saying yes to joy and peace.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Loving Ourselves Enough to Save Ourselves
We become entwined in our partners sexual energy and even under non violent conditions it is difficult to break away. But we must. It is only in breaking away that we begin to see who we are. The cloud of fear has been removed and we are not second guessing every step that we make. We are free to Be.
We come up with so many excuses not to leave. Some of the reasons that keep us in an abusive relationships are: what will my family and friends say and think, it's going to be so hard starting over, I don't really want to keep him/her away from the kids. The reason to remain with an abuser does not exist. Remaining keeps you from truly living the life that you came here to live and if there are children present, it teaches them to become an abuser or to believe that abusing someone is okay. And the cycle continues.
There is help available. You must seek it. People devote their lives to helping others get out of abusive relationships. Allow them to help you. Yes, it's tough realizing that you chose this partner, but you did. Getting help will allow you to grow in ways that being abused has not permitted. Over time you will value your own self-worth. No, it will not be easy, but it will be worth it. And when you become involved with a intimate partner again you will have the tools to make a better choice of who you allow into your space.
We come up with so many excuses not to leave. Some of the reasons that keep us in an abusive relationships are: what will my family and friends say and think, it's going to be so hard starting over, I don't really want to keep him/her away from the kids. The reason to remain with an abuser does not exist. Remaining keeps you from truly living the life that you came here to live and if there are children present, it teaches them to become an abuser or to believe that abusing someone is okay. And the cycle continues.
There is help available. You must seek it. People devote their lives to helping others get out of abusive relationships. Allow them to help you. Yes, it's tough realizing that you chose this partner, but you did. Getting help will allow you to grow in ways that being abused has not permitted. Over time you will value your own self-worth. No, it will not be easy, but it will be worth it. And when you become involved with a intimate partner again you will have the tools to make a better choice of who you allow into your space.
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